decisions decisions

… I sat it back down. I couldn’t sign those papers knowing I would be walking from the very person who changed my life. This past year has been one of the most intricate, inspiring, life-changing years I have ever experienced. I have laughed, I have cried, I have loved, and I have lost.

I have laughed until my eyes overran with tears, at ridiculous things, fascinating people, myself. I learned to let go for awhile… to live by the seat of pants… I JUMPED OUT OF AN AIRPLANE FOR GOODNESS SAKE, and those of you who know me, know that I am terrified to fly!!! I threw caution to wind, and decided to live on the “edge”, or my own outrageous version of it.

I have cried over the loss of my marriage, my best friend, broken heart after broken heart. I have cried at movies, stories, and over people who may or may not have been deserving of those tears.

I have loved without condition Bella, and others, I have fought with every ounce of my being to preserve those loves, and to improve those people. I have cherished my family and friends for their continued support throughout the tumultuous journey and am forever grateful for the words of wisdom and advice that has often times gotten me through the day.

I have lost a great deal… friendships, relationships, and at times… myself.

I will take these experiences and I will never disregard the worthy, and I will pray to grow from the bad. I will take these lessons and I will carry them into this new chapter one of which I will share once again with the man I married. I understand that there will be naysayers, and non- supporters, and critics of all sorts, but what I say to them is simple: if Chad and I can survive the past year, than I am certain we can survive anything.

We will not place our wedding rings back on the fingers in which they were once proudly displayed… in time, we will renew the vows that began our story, and with that we will place a new ring; one which will represent the newest journey we are about to embark on. Someday, I will again walk down that aisle where a man stands at the end knowing me completely inside and out, and anxiously awaiting to become my husband (for the second time). It will all be unique from the first, the key difference is that I will look over my left shoulder and there will be a little girl standing there with a grin ear to ear, proud that her Mom and Dad got it right, at last.

As for Bella… I will forever hurt that she had to walk this journey with us, and she had to feel the difficulties of living between two homes, and trying her best to comprehend divorce. It is my desire that she continues to grow, and as Chad and I continue to grow, she will look at us, and find a way to understand and appreciate that we had to travel that road, in order to find ourselves home. I pray that she will learn the importance of family, persistence, and vows. That somehow we will have set an example for her… nothing in life comes easy, we know that now.

pen to paper

Well, it seems that once more I will put my life out there for the general public to take pleasure in… let me clear the air yet again.

In my last entry I spoke of lost love, new friendships, and of my own aspirations. Today, I want to speak of rediscovered love, old friendships, and of peace.

With the finality of divorce moments away, I was given an opportunity to recap the past year with a lost friend. That very friend being the man I was soon to divorce. We sat on the front steps of a home that we once shared, and as we discussed the journey ahead, we had no choice but to look back; to find some sort of closure.

We spoke of the reasons we found ourselves in this very situation, and played the game, “could of, would of, should of…” for the first time in a long time we sat there, just him and me, as friends and not enemies, and we LISTENED!

As the conversation came to a close we walked into the very house he and I once shared, and a flood of emotions came over me. Tears stained my cheeks, as I was overcome with the feeling of regret, sadness, uncertainty, and love. I was home… or was I?

Throughout the past year we have both hurt, we both ran. He and I found ourselves in another relationship outside of our marriage, and as hard as that was for both of us to conceive, it had to be passable… we were legally separated, on our way to becoming the cliché of divorced couples.

It was in those moments of conversation that I realized something… there was still a lot of unfinished business here.

“No one said it was going to be easy, they only promised it would be worth it.” As I gathered my things to leave, this man… this man I had grown to dislike, the one who hurt me, the one who “bought” me the best pair of running shoes to date, grabbed my hand, and hugged me goodbye. Upon entering my car, he smiled sweetly, and in the sincerest of voices he reminded me that it was still me, I was still the one, and that no matter what… I was loved.

The journey to the condo that evening was a difficult one. I revisited the ups, downs, and completely destructive moments of the past year. I pulled from memory every piece of advice, cross word, tear shed over the situation, and I desperately tried to put the feelings of peace away. We were getting a divorce, and it is what it is. We moved on. We’re happy. We’ll work on a friendship for Bella. No turning back. Period. The End.

Those feelings weren’t erased, and while I remembered the overwhelming journey of the past year, I was soon consumed with the endless possibilities of a new tomorrow.

Our friendly banter continued for many days following, and this was a quaint moment; for the first time in 12 years, Chad and I were friends. We had spent 9 years of marriage going through the motions, forgetting about the love, respect, appreciation. I had the grass is greener plague and he….

The moment came and one final decision had to be made… as my paper arrived in the mail, did I sign or didn’t I? This was a tough decision… he’d been an “asshole”, but to my rude awakening, so had I. Regardless of how we found ourselves in this situation we were both to blame. So, I was forced to ask myself a question… could I walk knowing that I hadn’t given it my all?

Faced with questions of uncertainty, I had to once again revisit our journey. And to my astonishment this is what I realized:

Put the anger, hurt, bitterness aside, and Chad and I both changed. He became a man that I was proud of… successful at work, reading endless books (for those of you who truly know us, this was an incredibly sexy quality), a good Dad. He came to me one day and said, “If nothing good comes out of this divorce I do know this… it’s made me a better Dad. I never knew what being a Dad was really like… I let you do it all, and now Bella and I have this most incredible friendship.” That statement alone spoke volumes, and melted my heart… he didn’t have to tell me that, I had witnessed it with my own two eyes.

I was given an opportunity I had never had. I lived on my own, struggled by myself, and lived a very free spirited life… I got to lay out in the grass, and to my surprise, it wasn’t any greener than my own. I did things I never would have, settled for things I never thought possible, and I lost people (you know who you are) that I was certain I couldn’t live without. I ran the equivalent of a New York City marathon, and I did it on my own. There was a lot of self-discovery needed, I had spent most of my life searching… in my search over the past year I found “peace” or a jaded perception of it. I found people who truly have made a difference in my life, I found a home… but, in saying that I wasn’t able to let go… to fully give, to turn a cheek on the chapters prior to the current.

I had a decision to make, and that very decision was to pick up a pen, and…

UNDER CONSTRUCTION :)

and so it begins...

It seems that I have received an awe-inspiring amount of support, and I thank each and every one of you for taking the time to read my words. While it may seem peculiar to some to share such an intimate story on the web, I have found this to be the most therapeutic journey.

I truly believe that everyone has a story to tell some more alluring than others, and to be honest I have no idea where my own narrative belongs, but what I do know is this:

Since I was an adolescent I have often dreamed of writing. Words to paper have forever been a creative outlet for me, and it seems I have endless notebooks of scribbles. I have vowed that someday I would create a work of art and I would publish it for all the world to enjoy… being someone often afraid of failure I am not certain that I will ever put that pen to paper, so I have decided to share my story this way: via a blog.

I hope that for those of you who take the time to read it you laugh and perhaps choke back a tear or two. It’s an interesting story of young marriage, love affairs, divorce, addiction, and happily-ever-after. It’s my story… a journey through some of the greatest moments of my life, and some of the most difficult.

Perhaps you’re a friend interested in the background, or a stranger just dropping by to take a peak; either way, whoever you are, I hope you find something in my tale. I hope that by telling my own account of what has occurred during my endless search for peace you can search within yourselves to find your own answers.

I will apologize upfront as my story, rather my blog entries, will jump around… looking back, dreaming in fast forward, and living in the present. I hope at some point it all makes sense and the story unfolds before your eyes.

At 29 I had no idea what to expect in divorce, I wasn’t from a broken home, and divorce was a stranger… I’ll bounce back… I promise you that.

Please enjoy and please pray for my family and me as we embark on our new journey and pick up the pieces…