decisions decisions

… I sat it back down. I couldn’t sign those papers knowing I would be walking from the very person who changed my life. This past year has been one of the most intricate, inspiring, life-changing years I have ever experienced. I have laughed, I have cried, I have loved, and I have lost.

I have laughed until my eyes overran with tears, at ridiculous things, fascinating people, myself. I learned to let go for awhile… to live by the seat of pants… I JUMPED OUT OF AN AIRPLANE FOR GOODNESS SAKE, and those of you who know me, know that I am terrified to fly!!! I threw caution to wind, and decided to live on the “edge”, or my own outrageous version of it.

I have cried over the loss of my marriage, my best friend, broken heart after broken heart. I have cried at movies, stories, and over people who may or may not have been deserving of those tears.

I have loved without condition Bella, and others, I have fought with every ounce of my being to preserve those loves, and to improve those people. I have cherished my family and friends for their continued support throughout the tumultuous journey and am forever grateful for the words of wisdom and advice that has often times gotten me through the day.

I have lost a great deal… friendships, relationships, and at times… myself.

I will take these experiences and I will never disregard the worthy, and I will pray to grow from the bad. I will take these lessons and I will carry them into this new chapter one of which I will share once again with the man I married. I understand that there will be naysayers, and non- supporters, and critics of all sorts, but what I say to them is simple: if Chad and I can survive the past year, than I am certain we can survive anything.

We will not place our wedding rings back on the fingers in which they were once proudly displayed… in time, we will renew the vows that began our story, and with that we will place a new ring; one which will represent the newest journey we are about to embark on. Someday, I will again walk down that aisle where a man stands at the end knowing me completely inside and out, and anxiously awaiting to become my husband (for the second time). It will all be unique from the first, the key difference is that I will look over my left shoulder and there will be a little girl standing there with a grin ear to ear, proud that her Mom and Dad got it right, at last.

As for Bella… I will forever hurt that she had to walk this journey with us, and she had to feel the difficulties of living between two homes, and trying her best to comprehend divorce. It is my desire that she continues to grow, and as Chad and I continue to grow, she will look at us, and find a way to understand and appreciate that we had to travel that road, in order to find ourselves home. I pray that she will learn the importance of family, persistence, and vows. That somehow we will have set an example for her… nothing in life comes easy, we know that now.